Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS

My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands

I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits

Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears

[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?

Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.

British people: Unicycle

American people: Collegecycle

Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.

Me: I’m terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: (Screams)

Therapist: I see

Me: (Scream intensifies)

Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.

You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.

Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..

People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?

When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”

When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.

[aircraft carrier]

*paints a T on the helipad*

Captain: No it has to have an H

Me: Why?

*train sounds approaching*

Captain: Oh dear god

I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule

My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.