Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
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Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
what’s really going on
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie