Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?

Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.

16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.

Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.

16: Exactly, pick something else.

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees

I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.

she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds

My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze

Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory

“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.

I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.

That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.

My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”

Me:“But it’s the right kid?”

Wife: “Yes.”

Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”

Netflix: Continue watching?

Me: *can’t find tv remote*

Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up

Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”

[interview]

Any questions?

“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”

No about working here

“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”

Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript

<first date>

Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*

Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*

You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought

How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you

*Puts on angry eyebrows*

I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.

My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:

“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”

Welcome to your fifties…

AT 10PM WE SLEEP

AT DAWN WE PEE

Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart