[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
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Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
I don’t know what to do
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
me when I see my crush