Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep

I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.

My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.

Me: This spaghetti is spicy.

Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.

[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?

I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.

Him: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.

If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.

Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!

I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

*high fives my therapist*

“At least you tried.”

CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.

Me: Gross.

Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list

House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.

HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here

ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin

ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.

BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?

The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.

ME: Is this the “new normal”?

SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store

It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.

Date: So what’s your backstory?

Me: Arthritis.

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.

Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?