Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”

I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.

Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.

*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.

How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?

If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?

imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever

Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.

It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.

If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.

Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?

this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,

Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…

It was in the non-friction section.

I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.

Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!

My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.

Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]

Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]

Me on my deathbed: ANY day now

Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.

Remember when double entry was an accounting term?

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.