Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.

My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.

[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]

simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!

nala:

simba:

nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?

Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher

Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this

Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer

when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born

I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…

Now I have kenny logins.

#dangerzone

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?

Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.

If this can be a salad, you can be anything.

*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.

I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.

I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.

THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging

ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me

[Stick Insects Anonymous]

Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”

“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.

For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.

Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.

I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.

GENIE: you have three wishes

ME: make math go away

GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house

ME: oh so I still get three wishes?

GENIE: huh?

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard

*rides off into the sunset*

*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*

*rides off into the sunset*

Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.

[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat

Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”