Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu

Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…

me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!

can of beans: never!

(whirring noises)

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.

The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.

For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.

[neighbourhood watch meeting]

john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.

suzy: omg who could it be?

lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.

Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.

So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?

I tell ya, government spending is out of control.

Turning regret into ulcers since 1996

Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”

I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes

This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her

Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”

If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold

I get it fish, my body is also beer battered

When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.

I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.

If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.

The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working

Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.

the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.

Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible