Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.

So, just me..

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..

I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.

Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

Her: I’m pregnant!

Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.

Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-

Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!

Priorities

It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast

imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going

If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.

What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.

“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”

“What?”

“It’s a long story.”

[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs

Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”

I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers

When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory

When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.

My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.

Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.

we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.

Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.

Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes

Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you

Spider:

Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am

Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours? ⁣
⁣