Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.

Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.

Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”

I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.

Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though

wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes

Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.

[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.

According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…

Without the receipt, apparently.

mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth

baby birds: yay! dinner time

How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’

Birds shit on us because we tweet better.

Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.

If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami

Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx

Legacy implies the existence of armacy.

nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!

The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.

“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.

You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.

Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order

I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.

No pun in ten did.