Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]

My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.

Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson

This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too

Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-

Me: wait you have WiFi?

Satan: of course.

Me: well that’s not so bad.

Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.

My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.

My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind

Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you

[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]

waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews

Me: How many legs does the dog have?

4 y.o: Five

Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.

4: There’s something wrong with the dog.

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*

“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”

Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?

“amateurs”

~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies

next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night

“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words

Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work

There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”

*Emerging from a ten year coma*

Dad: Well look who finally got up

*calls male escort service*

Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

My favorite sport ? Lasagna

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.

Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.