Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.

Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.

Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.

Me: i thought it was three?

Genie: taxes.

[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home

When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Me: Like I want to stab someone.

Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.

Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple

[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”

Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.

Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.

me: I always sleep naked

flight attendant: no

Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”

Trinity: but why though

Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”

“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”

It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.

How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?

Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.

Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.

My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.

WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?

ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools

My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long

Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long

Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”

What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?

Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.