Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
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If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Asking the real questions!
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
I hope it’s French Onion!
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point