Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
You Might Also Like
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
s
oc
i
a
l
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.