Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
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[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
my proudest tweet
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.