Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
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Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.