Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.

[grocery shopping]

ME: oooh my back just cracked

5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!

(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.

Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already

*waters flowers*
*flowers die*

*sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*

My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”

[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much

If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.

First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though

What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.

What I should have said: I’ll do better.

What I actually said: You should see my kids.

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned

Me: How is your chicken?

Mario: It needsa salt.

Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*

I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.

I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

All I’m saying is you know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.

Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house

Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates

Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s

Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks

“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon

fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding

me: WHO IS HE

I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.

everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats

My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.

Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?

*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT

He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.

My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.

This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.