Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*flirting poorly at the grocery store*

me: so do you eat food often?

*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach

“Your rescue request is very important to us…”

Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend

Bladder: I have to go

Laziness: Hang in there, champ

The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.

My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails

They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog

Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.

Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.

Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!

*walks up with my full head of mongooses*

Medusa: Let’s rock.

Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.

me: i made my first million by the age of 21

her: wow, a million dollars?!

me: no, mistakes

I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.

My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.

Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.

Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.

So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.

4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children

Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this

It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.

“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”

We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

*reading of my will*

Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’

Don’t take drugs… for granted.

Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs

BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.

So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”

[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS