“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
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A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Hello, 911? *twirls phone cord around finger* sooooo how was your day? Did you arrest any bad guys?…No you hang up first! Hello? 911?
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
ME:i need to use the intercom
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!