@TheHyyyype

surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here

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@crouton_futon

“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”

@WheelTod

A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience

@LouisPeitzman

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

@OBiiieeee

Hello, 911? *twirls phone cord around finger* sooooo how was your day? Did you arrest any bad guys?…No you hang up first! Hello? 911?

@BoomBoomBetty

“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.

So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.

@Dustinkcouch

When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.

@Gupton68

The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.

@Holy_Mowgli

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

@dave_cactus

[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!