Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.

Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth

Stand by me.

I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.

4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.

Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.

Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.

Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.

I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.

me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people

boss: you’re not on mute

me: i know.

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.

“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”

Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China

People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.

Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar

Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.

Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?

just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth

Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.

If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz

Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.

How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?

Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.

I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood

Police: Pull over and stop!

Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?

Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!

Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!

Wanted:
1 Psychic.

You know who you are.

I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.

I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.

*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*

*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*