Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.

M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex

Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.

Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge

Sis:

M:

S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high

If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.

[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too

My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!

No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.

Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.

[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*

Hey baby, what’s your name?

“Robert”

*gets off on a technicality

Technicality: Perv.

next time i open up to someone is during surgery

The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time

If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.

imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.

How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now

Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

dad: i’ve got something special for you.

kid me: wow what is it?

dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-

kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.

I’m that bored in the house 🥺

#lockdownextension

“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”

Mean The Same Thing.

Unless You’re At A Funeral.

“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm

Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?

I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.