SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
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Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.