SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
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When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively