Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.

Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason

I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty

Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.

My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.

It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?

Voting for coroner

I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.

[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?

Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.

Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…

[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.

I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.

[first time]

HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?

Dear Santa,

My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.

Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.

8-year-old: Who’s coming over?

Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.

8: But we already know we live like this.

“how can you be single?”

*smirks*

gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out

He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor

The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:

What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice

I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle

Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.

Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.

[guy who’s about to invent urinals]

*peeing* i hate having privacy

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: I was going too fast?

Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze

Me: [eats ice cream slower]

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?

My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed

They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.

Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense