surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.