Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.

It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out

COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?

ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.

An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.

There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.

‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.

My dad: you know how you Love Christmas

12 yo me: yes

My dad: How would you feel about two of them

Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.

“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy

“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.

Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.

“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White

*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…

what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2

My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?

Grandma:

Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day

Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really

Sooo many times…..

Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!

My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!

When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.

[first cat being domesticated]

What’s that thing your petting?

“It’s called a cat”

Do they bite?

“Oh ya LOL all the time!”

Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!

My wife: Yeah, like his dad

Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*

Chess in Australia must be hard.

“Check, mate”

“Checkmate?”

“What?”

“Huh?”

[When your mom calls you by your full name]

Mom: Scoobert Doobert!

Scooby: Ruh roh

*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*

A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.

Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism