Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.

Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.

me: im depressed

therapist: try a good walk

me: will that work

therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*

Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten

My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time

i feel so bad i refunded him

The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.

I just can’t handle it anymore.

Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”

3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?

Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.

Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.

Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.

My plans: 2020:

*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*

You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.

If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?

Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?

“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice

Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula

You had ONE job!

– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.

Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.

hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.

As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.

Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”

And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”

The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.