Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.

Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine

[at an interview]

Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?

Me: I get along well with others

Interviewer: your greatest weakness?

Me: I use a lot of duct tape

MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.

Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage

I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.

Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.

My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.

texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her

My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.

I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too

I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.

[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector

My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.

Pray for me.

Autocarrot sucks!

Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:

“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”

And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter

Someone die? Time to get high!

Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!

(BYO shovel)

Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day

Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!

Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”

Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.

No more excuses…

….next year I’m getting that exorcism.

I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.