Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined

Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.

me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years

[Shark Tank]

ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic

MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?

ME: It ate my credit card

The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this

Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.

god: you have outlived your purpose

dinosaurs: give us another chance

god: fine

dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this

Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.

Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?

Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.

Yes my dude

Two words: Egg Newtons™

Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person

“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.

Everyone’s family

(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies

“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”

*Googles my ex’s house*

him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better

me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying

“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”

– my husband right now, probably

Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing 🙂

I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.

*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly

If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…

[on a rocket which just launched into space]

Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.

I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid

my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.

i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.

*scampers over to ice cream truck*

Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.