Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
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[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.