Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
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My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
My support group can outdrink your support group.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork