Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
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The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Just a bush.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.