Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.

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Had a big mix up at the store today, apparently when the clerk said “strip down facing me,” she meant my credit card.


*pops kid’s balloon*

*kid cries and runs away*

*picks up kid’s cake*

Husband: wtf is wrong with you?

Me: his piece was bigger!!


I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.


“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.


Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?


Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.


8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?

M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?


When I found out that my neighbour is allergic to cats
I bought one
And I have never seen him since.