Had a big mix up at the store today, apparently when the clerk said “strip down facing me,” she meant my credit card.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
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*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Waitress: “Hi, my nam-”
Me: “Vodka martini, please.”
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
When I found out that my neighbour is allergic to cats
I bought one
And I have never seen him since.