If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
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in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
I call my bedroom ‘The place where the magic happens’ because one night a guy locked me in a box and tried to saw me in half.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
If your parents say, “You can be whatever you want to be when you grow up”, remind them that they’ll have to die for you to be Batman.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.