Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
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Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
need a new bf mines broken 😐
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what