@iamspacegirl

SURPRISE! I scream, bursting from the vat of mashed potatoes. The other lunch ladies do not look surprised
They do not look surprised at all

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@NourhanKheir

I believe in ten years, gifts for newly born baby would be a SIM card and a cell phone.

@LMFOFL

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

@withanewname

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

@IvoryGazelle

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

@HatfieldAnne

*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”

@joejwest

[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]