SURPRISE! I scream, bursting from the vat of mashed potatoes. The other lunch ladies do not look surprised
They do not look surprised at all

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I believe in ten years, gifts for newly born baby would be a SIM card and a cell phone.


If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.


Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.


goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles


*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”


BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]