I believe in ten years, gifts for newly born baby would be a SIM card and a cell phone.
SURPRISE! I scream, bursting from the vat of mashed potatoes. The other lunch ladies do not look surprised
They do not look surprised at all
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Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Having sex in the 90s was scratchy due to all the flannel.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
She: Don’t talk like that.
Me: With my thumbs?
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]