Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
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I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
He has no idea 🤡
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
#Caturday
Thick as shit.