Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
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The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet