Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

knights of the ikea table

My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”

Neighbor: can you watch my dog?

Me: like through your window?

N: no, I meant like-

Me: cause I don’t do that now

N: watc-

Me: okay once

Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?

PEACH I MIGHT BE

Captcha: pick all the squares with worms

Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait

If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.

Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.

Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.

Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.

You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.

dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse

[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.

A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.

*seductively winces due to lower back pain

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.

superman landing like a plane on his belly

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.

Is fake venison called venisn’t

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?

If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it

Me: hey babe I got you something!

Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.

Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.

My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:

“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”

I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.

Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones