Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
You Might Also Like
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
October 31
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Me, trying to settle down in bed.
My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.
Anyone know an exorcist?