Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
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I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure