Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really

“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”

I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

her: so do you have air conditioning

me: no, only fans

A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.

-tweeted from my hospital bed

I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes

If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down

[at a party]

*taps wife’s shoulder*

I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?

(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)

“What?”

You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.

I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.

I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.

My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.

I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.

Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?

She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady

I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”

This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.

#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay

What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?

Starchy and Husk

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children

*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*

[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??

Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.

I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working

Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.

I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.