Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.

Trains are just sideway elevators.

Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.

I think something went wrong here?!🤔

*Packing for a trip*

Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.

i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times

Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”

Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.

Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive

Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you regifted it to your janitor.

[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity

the three genders

5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?

Me: After lunch time

5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now

Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry

people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper

establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.

Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.

“No man is an island.”

– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me

I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…

I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”

The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block

I know a sign from God when I see one

I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.

Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.