[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
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funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again