[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
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Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
#damn
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
When your parents check you’re ok.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Good morning!
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues