Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!

“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button

– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.

No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.

[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?

Tammy is short for Tamuel

I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.

Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.

[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes

If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”

Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.

Them: who ya gonna call

Me: ghostbusters

Them: sweet, what’s the number

Me: they didn’t say

Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it

I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.

If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon

I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one

MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.

ME: *thinks for a bit* …k

MAGICIAN: That is a letter.

ME: omg ur right

“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line

Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”

Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”

realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”

“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.