Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.

For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.

The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

Do you know how fast you were going sir?

“15,000mph?”

Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”

bye?

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.

3-year-old: I want more milk.

Me: What’s the magic word?

3: *enraged falcon screech*

Close enough.

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.

My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces

Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.

Therapist: …I gathered.

Me: [screams]

I still have a landline…

or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder

My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.

awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi

I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.

me: [pooping in a basket]

hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.

I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”

I’m lucky, I only drink every night.

He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.

I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.

In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:

“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”

You’re all welcome.

*Jumps on bandwagon*

Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend

NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!

In love:

😐

Uncertain:

😐

Just married:

😐

Pregnant:

😐

Dead:

😐

Only $139.95! Act now!

Noah

Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail

Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY

HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!

Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress