“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
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Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Has there ever been a more American story?
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless