Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.

they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter

Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.

ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…

My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.

“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*

Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?

Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]

Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.

I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS

My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.

People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.

My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.

My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.

don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels

I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven

– a memoir

Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.

Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.

THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.

We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.

my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?

If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.

What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?