Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
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*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.