Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
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Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade