Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
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Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Only short people can save us
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:
Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠