Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
You Might Also Like
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app