Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
You Might Also Like
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*
Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs