Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
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Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Worst Native American name ever.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
How does someone manage that 🤨
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls