Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
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When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat