surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
You Might Also Like
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
Me driving through Toronto
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops