surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
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[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave