Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
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Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket
me: can you just let me go with a warning this time
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.