Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
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yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Peter Parker Peter Driver
She: I like Cats
He:
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Windchimes
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown