Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
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Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
File under excellent bookstore names.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.