Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
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I’d like to rescind my Christmas wishes to my sister-in-law, Jessica, who got my kids a 100 peice indoor fake snowball fight kit.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox