Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
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That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted