Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
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Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.