Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep

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[approaches parent with child on a leash]

“Mind if I pet your dog?”

Hey that’s my son!

“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”


If you give two examples and then say “and the list goes on,” it doesn’t.


Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.


What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?


I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.


[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*


People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.


Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.


If every person in the world held hands around the equator a significant portion of them would drown.