@bridger_w

Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep

You Might Also Like

@SteveSuckington

[approaches parent with child on a leash]

“Mind if I pet your dog?”

Hey that’s my son!

“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”

@HatfieldAnne

If you give two examples and then say “and the list goes on,” it doesn’t.

@Brentweets

Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.

@BaileysIrishTom

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.

@Brampersandon_

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

@robyn_vo

People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.

@Cheeseboy22

Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.

@ObviousOstrich

If every person in the world held hands around the equator a significant portion of them would drown.