[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
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If you give two examples and then say “and the list goes on,” it doesn’t.
*illegally downloads a social life*
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
<Tries to plow the road>
Road: I have a boyfriend.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
If every person in the world held hands around the equator a significant portion of them would drown.