surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
You Might Also Like
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am