surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
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A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.