Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
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My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Spam caller said “love you byeee” before hanging up.
Didn’t get a chance to say, “but wait, do you really mean that?”
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
My goal for 2025 is to hang enough poetry in my bathroom that anyone who uses it comes out sobbing
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
It’s the weekend y’all
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
Haha! 😂
i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”