Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.

sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade

“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.

Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be

Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining

My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.

For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped

[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.

If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.

me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok

A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.

My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”

Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing

No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.

Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????

me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner

telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back

I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.

My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home

i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.