Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do

Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.

Ok who’s got my black socks?

Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!

Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.

Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.

So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”

We found love in a hopeless place.

I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.

At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

[christmas]

BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!

ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.

Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.

It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything

I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.

Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.

Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.

ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol

College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days

The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe

The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.

If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.

Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all

Dress for the job you want others to think you have.

ME: stay away from the cat

MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n t

ME: ur gonna get scratched again

MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.

[Bar]

Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.

Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.

OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.

her: wanna be my fwb?

me: friends with bacon???

her: …

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”