Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
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I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.