Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
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They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Come back with a warrant
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.