Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
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Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Whoa 😂
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
quarantine day 3
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Happy Friday
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree