Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
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Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear