Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
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Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
🤣
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
