Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
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4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
murder on the timeline
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭