Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“To compliment my hair?”

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.

I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.

I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.

Respect

me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it

Her: I like dogs

Me: *dies in 10-13 years*

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??

well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me

DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him

THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that

DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand

If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.

waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?

me: sure

waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich

me: those things are on the normal menu

waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18

me: they’re usually $12

waiter: today they’re special

NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace

Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?

me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.

dermatologist: drink more water.

me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin

This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!

Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.

EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.

I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂

TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall

I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.

I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.

Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”

An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze

When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”

*Gets left on read for hours*

Me: “I’m never talking to them again”

Them: *Finally replies*

Me:

my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder

me: i’m so excited for fall!

also me: where the hell did the sun go?

I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any

The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.