Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
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Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.